What would this weekend turn out to be? It seems that I'm not off to a very good start. All I have been feeling on the fine Friday night is that I'm pathetic. First clue? It was only 9ish and all I wanted to do was to take a shower and hop on my bed, watch some TV/movie, and then go to sleep; then of course, life didn't turn out the way I planned. Somehow I got into a really long conference call (with some very interesting struggle to try to get everybody into the conference at the beginning - it was frustrating AND hilarious). For whatever reason, a conference call set out to plan something together always turns into a conversation of a string of random topics. We covered subjects like how germs could be passed around with water fountain; how someone referred to a conference call as a "threesome" on a bus and got some stares from his bus-riding mates (then again, why wouldn't he?); and then somehow TV shows like "A Step into the Past"(寻秦记) and "Two and a Half Men" were brought up... In the end, in spite of all the randomness, we did pin down some rough plan for Sunday...

It was well past midnight when I decided to hang up (people complained about me being on the line anyway because they said my headset was making noise... sigh). Then I found myself famished, and had to get myself something to eat, which again made me feel pretty pathetic - you know you are when you have to heat up turnip cake for snack in the middle of the night just because you don't quite yet want to go to sleep even though you ARE tired!

A sense of unsettledness still hangs around. Or is it restlessness. Maybe I'm just sleep-deprived.

 

On a different subject, is there anyone who likes "Two and a Half Men" or at least has seen it? I was planning to write something very relevant to the show and just wanted to see how much audience I would get. If you're at all curious, tune in for the upcoming episode titled "David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie" Monday (Feb 2nd) 9pm on CBS!

想不到一篇思路不是很连贯的感慨，能引来一些很久没有直接对话的朋友发表意见。很多谢你们的input和鼓励。

看来，读不读PhD，是不是身处异国，twenty-something这宝贵的十年光阴，给每个人带来的都是很大的变化。

曾几何时，我也规划过要几岁之前结婚，到几岁做妈妈，然后过上family-oriented的生活。然后发现，人生往往不如你所计划的，大家都认为要做的也不一定是你真正想要的。与其给自己设立各种目标，规限各种时间表，倒不如一切顺其自然。

意识到这一点之后，那些曾经令我对未来充满憧憬的电视剧，Friends，SATC，又再次令我相信，人生到了三十岁以后依然能够很精彩；最近看到Jennifer Aniston谈"turning 40"的感受:"I'm very excited. I had more of a panic going into 30. I think you realize that it just gets better. When they say youth is wasted on the young, it's so true." It just gets better，一下子如醍醐灌顶，令我瞬间信服。

所以，我还有起码15至20年的精彩生活呢，何必急着赶往人生的下一阶段呢？顺其自然，hopefully水到就会渠成。

今天忽然意识到农历新年又快到，于是想出这样的话：“甜蜜往事不堪回首,遥遥未来不敢奢望-活在当下就好了”

你说我消极也好，乐观也好，胸无大志也好，非常"zen"也好。能抛开过去的包袱，挣脱未来的枷锁，让现在的自己舒心过活，就已经过到自己那关了。

一个PhD program，对于不同的人，短可短至三年多，长可长至六、七年。而这三到七年的时间，对于很大一部分PhD学生来说，刚好与他们成家立业的年纪重合。一个PhD program的时间跨度，不仅仅是a matter of a degree，也是a matter of changes in life.

今天trigger我发出感慨的，是身边一个活生生的例子，department里面一个比我早一年入学的美国男生。我和他并不算很熟，但这几年参加party的时候也经常见到他，所以对他的personal life还是有一定的了解。三年半前我刚到BC的时候，他还是单身，然后就看到他带着女朋友参加party，然后听说他们engage了，然后就是wedding，然后听说他太太怀孕，到今天在facebook看到他的new born baby的照片... 虽然我只是一个并不很熟的schoolmate，但很巧的，他的人生每一个重大step，我都在旁见证。想想看，他一个毛头小伙开始PhD生涯，到他毕业的时候，他已经是一个父亲了。多么奇妙的变化！

想想自己，有可能，到我毕业的时候，与我刚开始grad school的时候相比，不同的只是脸上多了些细纹，手里多了一张文凭，心里多了点沧桑。除非，除非，我要花个七、八年才毕业（touchwood! unjinx!）... then maybe I could get more done =P